We Started Nothing
by Renjitard
Summary: Ichigo, Orihime and Byakuya visit their first anime convention with their otaku friends, Renji and Rukia. High jinks ensue with various Bleach cameos.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is my first entry into Bleach humor and the alternate universe. It is based upon my convention experiences but I leave it up to you to figure out which are true or a work of fiction! FYI: Even though their Japanese names are retained, Ichigo and etc. are now American teenagers to make things easier for me. Also, don't worry "Deus Ex Machina" readers, that story will not be forgotten! :-)

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CHAPTER ONE

Orihime opened the car door, dressed in a maid's outfit that plunged at her breastbone, revealing the tops of perfect supple breasts and the laced hemline cut at her toned thighs. Ichigo smiled and then quickly frowned as he saw her face. Orihime's face was painted ghostly white with large circles of black ink around eyes while her normally pink lips were covered in messy blood red lipstick. To make matters worse, Orihime leaned in for a kiss on the lips.

Ichigo said, "We'd better hurry. We don't want to be late for Rukia and Renji."

Orihime crossed her arms and said, "Do you not like my costume?"

"Somehow I don't think that's what Rukia had in my mind she told you dress Goth lothi," said Ichigo, pulling out of her driveway. When Orihime turned away and gave a little squeak, he quickly added, "Not that I would know."

A few minutes later, Ichigo and Orihime arrived at Rukia and Renji's place. Renji had a fuzzy green wig and a black suit with a yellow shirt that looked like it hadn't been washed in a couple days. Rukia, on the other hand, had a luscious golden blond wig that complimented with her skin tight black jumpsuit and matching trench coat. They walked down the gravel driveway, hand in hand.

"Who are you guys supposed to be?" asked Ichigo as they entered the car, seating the backseat.

"Spike and Julia from Cowboy Bebop," said Rukia, crossing her legs and pretending to smoke a cigarette.

"You don't know what vicious is!" said Renji in a gruff deep voice.

"Rukia, what's he talking about?" said Ichigo.

Rukia laughed and said, "Renji has been quoting Cowboy Bebop all morning. Just ignore him."

"Okay," said Ichigo, turning the car to the left. Rukia touched his shoulder and he felt warm all over. Even though Rukia and Renji were now living together, he still found Rukia attractive, probably leftover feelings from their high school days. "What?"

"Go to Standard Boutique. We have to pick up Byakuya," she said.

"Why?" Ichigo said.

"I don't know and I've got no opinion," said Renji.

Rukia lightly cuffed Renji on the shoulder and said, "Would you please stop it?" She turned back to Ichigo. "Byakuya wants to come with us. I believe he said, 'I don't mind wasting my life with your friends.'"

"Wow, a compliment," said Orihime, clapping her hands.

Rukia sighed. "Yeah, he hasn't been the same since Szayel dumped him and left him for another man…"

"I don't think he's even seen any anime," said Renji. Ichigo had only seen Pokemon and Orihime had "accidentally" downloaded anime porn once but he didn't say that out loud.

"We're here," said Ichigo, pulling the level to the parking position.

"I'll go inside and get him," said Rukia as she opened the car door.

Byakuya came out, dressed in form fitting blue jeans and a sparking gold and white graphic tee along with his characteristic peach scarf with pink petals randomly printed upon it. He entered the car and sat by Renji. He grunted and put on his Chanel shades from his small brown-black man purse.

"Good morning, Byakuya," said Orihime, smiling and waving.

"Nice makeup," Byakuya replied but his tone suggested the exact the opposite of what he said.

"Thank you!" said Orihime. "No, I mean, _arigatou_!"

Renji's face broke into a wide grin. "You've been watching subs!"

Orihime blushed and said, "I watched this movie these two guys, Mochizuki and Honma…I think one of the guys started fondling the other one…" Ichigo groaned inwardly while Byakuya perked up. "And then Mochizuki starts sleeping with other guys to climb the business ladder…"

Renji cut Orihime's words with a hand. "I don't need to hear about yaoi. Rukia has enough OVAs at home."

"I think it's great that Orihime is expanding her horizons," said Rukia, grabbing Renji's hand, bringing up the palm to her lips and kissing it. Ichigo begged to differ but focused on his driving, trying to ignore Renji and Rukia making out in the back.

A couple hours later, they arrived at the Hilton Grand Hotel. It seemed an unlikely place for an anime convention; Ichigo expected to travel to Japan or something. He exited the car and opened the door for Orihime. To his surprise, Renji and Rukia were still going at it. He rapped on the back car door, waking up Byakuya.

"I'm sorry, Ichigo. Spike Spiegel was my first anime crush," said Rukia, swinging her legs to exit Ichigo's car. "With Renji cosplaying him, it's like Spike's alive."

"Oh I get it. You're in love with a cartoon," said Ichigo.

Renji glared him. "Anime's not a cartoon! They are totally different!" Renji reached over and put Ichigo in a headlock. Ichigo struggled but since Renji had been taking karate he couldn't wail on Renji as he had before.

"If you're going to be doing that, please be shirtless," said Byakuya. "At least, it would be borderline entertaining."

"Gross," said Ichigo and Renji in unison. Renji let go of Ichigo and headed to Rukia's side. She and Byakuya shared a secret half smile with each other as if something was going as planned.

A pale faced Orihime brought out her wallet. "Let's go everybody!" Ichigo didn't know what he was getting into, but he was glad to be around his friends. Ichigo interlocked his fingers into Orihime's and entered his first anime convention.

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Renjitard's Cheat Sheet:

What a Goth Loli really looks like: ecx./images/I/61DAEH5JHPL.SL500AA240.jpg and what the American Goth looks like: images./11485535751098112661areyouGoth1.jpg Orihime combined them both and hence the costume faux pas.

The smexy Spike Spiegel /images/800x600/spike-spiegel.jpg and Julia /clie/bgs/bebop-julia-white.jpg

The yaoi (thanks pink cloud!) Orihime is refering to is "My Sexual Harassment" which I have never seen because I don't watch hentai or yaoi. I simply typed in "yaoi hentai" on anime news network and picked that one. More info: en./wiki/MySexualHarassment

Sorry about the links not working--I encourage you to copy and paste the links or simply use google images for visuals.

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Stay tuned for the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: There's a slight spoiler character. You've been warned. I changed the relationship between Zaraki and Noitora so it is more in line with their characters.

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CHAPTER TWO

Ichigo and Orihime headed towards the carpeted lobby to check into the hotel. Ichigo had always imagined he and Orihime have a sexy night together in a fancy hotel and now his fantasy was finally coming to pass. He felt himself getting aroused thinking about it…

"My name is Ayasegawa Yumichika. How can I help you?" said the cashier, brushing a manicured hand along his red feather connecting to his eyebrow.

"A room for two, please," said Ichigo and pushed forward his Visa Debit Card.

Renji stepped between Ichigo and Yumichika. "You dumbass! We already booked a room!"

Ichigo gave a nervous laugh, running his hand through the back of his spiky hair. "For all of us?" In his mind's eye, he imagined Renji and Byakuya in the room with him and Orihime. That thought pretty much killed his arousal and his hope of losing his virginity.

"Yeah, it's cheaper that way," said Renji. "You are such a noob."

"In that case, I'll have Chad take your belongings to your room," said Yumichika. A tan burly man with wavy chestnut hair carried everybody's bags in his two hands. The same bags that took them three trips to get the lobby.

"Damn. He's strong," said Ichigo.

"Yeah, he's only twenty," said Yumichika. He looked around to see if Chad was still present. "I think he does steroids," he whispered. "Chad's probably part of an underground fight club or something but you didn't hear it from me."

Ichigo nodded and said, "Can you tell us how to get the anime convention?"

Yumichika's face light up. "You are an otaku too!" He jumped over the counter and hugged Ichigo. After a few awkward moments, Yumichika finally let go. "My shift is over. I'll take you on a free tour!" he said, unbuttoning his white uniform, revealing a scandalous anime t-shirt that screamed pedophile. Yumichika's t-shirt had a Japanese young kid with a red shirt but no pants on with a red and blue circular caption saying, "Have you met Mr. Elephant?"

Yumichika grabbed Ichigo and Orihime's hand as he pranced down to the elevators. Renji, Rukia, and Byakuya followed behind him. "Last year, Wendee Lee got sick after eating bad sushi…You wouldn't believe the smell in the bathroom…Anyway, Steve Blum is here along with Crispin Freeman and John Young Bosch too," said Yumichika as the elevator went down.

"Steve Blum," said Renji in a way that made Ichigo question Renji's heterosexuality.

Ichigo arched his eyebrow. "I thought you only watched anime subtitled," he said.

"Cowboy Bebop is the only dubbed anime that surpasses the original," said Renji.

"In other words, Renji has a man crush on Steve Blum," explained Rukia, giving Renji a sharp elbow in the ribs.

The elevator chimed and opened the doors into another different world populated by anime freaks. Ichigo saw many samurai with homemade swords and girls dressed in soft kimonos. A dark shinned voluptuous girl wearing nothing but two pasties covering her breasts and a super short skirt complete with a cat tail walked by, holding hands with blonde man wearing a green and white stripped hat. Intrigued, Ichigo began to follow her but felt someone pull him back into the group. "She's not yours," said Orihime.

Rukia grabbed Renji's hand, saying, "C'mon there's a photo shoot for the tenth anniversary of Cowboy Bebop!"

Ichigo followed and saw a bunch of costumers. He recognized another Spike and possibly another Julia but the others were lost on him. "Are you supposed to be Julia?" he said to a towering man wearing fuchsia lipstick and a blond wig.

"No, I'm playing Julius," said the man, smiling. "My stage name is CoolHorn. You can catch me at The Bird Cage on Saturday nights or you can visit me in room 213," he said, handing Ichigo his card and giving a little wink. Ichigo put it in his pocket, saving it for Byakuya. Ichigo heard Yumichika murmur something about how ugly people should be aborted.

"Everybody in costume gets in the shot!" said the photographer. Rukia put a hand on her hip and put a cigarette in her lips. Renji brought out his plastic gun and pointed it towards the camera. "Say 'see ya space cowboy!'" said the photographer.

"See ya space cowboy!" said Rukia and Renji along with the other Cowboy Bebop costumers.

Yumichika gathered Renji and Rukia back into the fold after the photo shoot was over. "Before we partake into any other festival, you must be registered and pay," he said, leading them to the registering table. "My friends are here," Yumichika said, gesturing to a fifty year old man with long black hair pulled tight up in spikes accented by beads that was holding the hand of ashen faced rail thin young man dressed in a white jumpsuit. Beside them were two kids both dressed in orange jumpsuits and silver headbands. "This is Zaraki and Nnoitora Kenpachi," said Yumichika. "Their kids are Nel and Yachiru."

"I'm Ichigo," said Ichigo, shaking both of their hands. "This is my girlfriend, Orihime."

Yumichika squealed. "Zaraki and Nnoitora are newlyweds—thank God for San Francisco!"

"That's wonderful!" said Orihime.

Zaraki shoved Yumichika. "Oh shut up, punk."

Nnoitora frowned. "You're embarrassed," he said as if it was an accusation not a question.

"Fuck you," said Zaraki.

Ichigo felt someone pull on his pants and unfortunately, it wasn't Orihime. Instead, it was green haired and bright eyed Nel. She said, "Istygo! Is Naruto gonna be here?"

Ichigo crouched down to Nel's level and said, "Sorry. I don't know who that is."

"Next," said the cashier.

"Three day passes for two," said Ichigo, standing up and bringing out his debit card.

The cashier pressed a few buttons and said, "That will be eighty dollars."

Ichigo felt his face become flushed and saw the cashier take a step back. "Are you serious?" Ichigo said. "That's like a whole paycheck!"

Renji chimed in. "We are footing the hotel bill."

Ichigo felt Orihime massaging his back with her hands and he calmed down. That's what he loved about Orihime: she was always sensitive to his needs even when he didn't voice them. He began to hand the cashier his card but Byakuya stepped in. "I'll pay for it," he said "I expect you to pay me back sometime." Ichigo thanked Byakuya but he was suspicious of Byakuya's kindness because they were always unseen strings attached.

After Renji and Rukia paid, they headed towards the Count Basie Room for a Code Geass panel featuring Steve Blum, Crispin Freeman and John Young Bosch.

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Renjitard's Cheat Sheet:

Yumi is wearing a Shin Chan t-shirt. Shin Chan calls his member Mr. Elephant.

A noob is someone who doesn't have clue what he is doing and entirely fails at it. Not the same as a newbie due to the negative connonation.

SPOILER: CoolHorn is from Chapter 320 in the manga and Julius is a cross dresser in the Cowboy Bebop series.

I got "Of Human Bondage"'s title from a work by Martin Luther. In Martin Luther's book, he talks about Christianity not violent sex.

Also, if you have any story ideas (as long as Renji is included) you are welcome to PM me with them. Stay tuned for the next chapter!


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